Smile coz Life is Beautiful

Reblogged from Life is Beautiful:

when you smile, you feel the world smiling back to you

Life.. What is it? The definition varies from you and me, from the struggles we’ve faced or the experiences we have gained, because of our state of happiness or the depth of pain that lies within us. However we may define it, life certainly is beautiful but we tend to forget this during the times of despair.

Read more… 100 more words

Bidaii

I had wiped off my almost dried up tears. I looked around to see everyone so sad and then, again, I looked at her face. Suddenly, our eyes met. She was crying bitterly, tears were rolling down her cheeks. ‘Shami, I’m leaving..’ she said. She was crying without caring a bit about her make-up. I didn’t know what to do. She repeated- ‘I’m leaving Shami!’ She was still crying.

I couldn’t hold my tears anymore. I must have looked wacky then, but I cared not. With eyes shedding tears, I couldn’t look at her pitiable face. Vishal, her sibling hugged her, and cried, too. Guys look funny on crying, but that day was exceptional, as his sister was leaving his house and moving to somebody else’s, for ever. Aunt Yasodha didn’t utter a word. Her tears could be seen and wails could be heard. Although she knew the bridegroom and his kinfolk quite well, she wasn’t sure how her daughter would be treated by them in the days yet to come. ‘Insecurities’ bring tears for sure, especially in a mother’s eyes for her daughter who has just gotten marrried.

Priya and I were what you literally call chuddy-buddies. Being the daughters of two close sisters and havin only little age difference made it easy for us to speak our mind to eachother. Distance played a great role to strengthen our friendship. We would meet in every possible occasion, perhaps once or twice a year and then talk, talk and talk the whole day, till it was too late at night. All the days we had together, and all of those moments laid in front of me.. Ah! The flashback only triggered my tears and as she stepped inside the beautifully decorated car, I prayed for her bright future. Just some hours earlier I had teased her saying she was a mrs.-to-be and as the Kanyadaan was over, she had become somebody else’s. Our Priya won’t remain the same, I thought. Responsibilities are the reasons for variance in people and the same could be expected with our Priya.

I wanted to see her as bride for the last time. So, I hurried towards the car and there she was, even then sobbing. I just said, ‘Take care of yourself.’ More tears and more emotions overflowed.. It was the time for the departure of the Janti. So, I immediately stepped back. I kept looking at her as the car took her away. The car was becoming smaller as it moved ahead, and the whole alley was covered with her in-laws. They were happy to take her with them, and we were too, but bidding the bride farewell is torturous. That drama, which was a part of every girl’s life, was comparable with an olden day’s hindi weepie.

I walked past the party venue, to my aunt’s house, climbed up the staircase and moved to the verandah where Priya and I had gossipped for a long time a day before. The house seemed gloomy, now that she had gone. I looked down the alley where we had walked together a hundred times, those playgrounds where we used to play as kids, and the shops already closed. I was sure to miss Priya in the upcoming days..

‘Oh Priya!’ I said and hid my face with my palms and stayed there- nostalgic. Then, I felt someone patting me. On turning back, I saw my niece. That was embarrassing. ‘She must have seen me crying all alone,’ I was thinking. ‘It’s fine,’ she said after reading my mind. ‘Please don’t cry. Aunt’s calling you upstairs,’ said she. ‘Okay, lets go,’ I said wiping my tears as we marched to the living room. After a brief chat, I helped my sister-in-law to clear up the mess and tidy the rooms. Then, I felt drowsy, so was fast asleep in a room that I had been sharing with three other cousins of mine during the marriage.

The next day, dad, mom and I was looking at the photographs taken the previous day.
‘Priya was looking beautiful.’
‘In deed,’ mom responded.
‘Everyone was crying yesterday, even the brothers,’ I chuckled.
‘I couldn’t control my tears,’ mom said.
‘Somehow tears rolled down my cheeks.. Dui thopa aansu,’ said dad. All three of us laughed.

Then dad suddenly became serious. ‘I cried so bitterly yesterday, the tears were so unexpected. I wonder what is going to happen in our Shami’s bidaii!’ Both of my parents became serious.
‘Emotions.. Not again!!’ I thought.
‘Don’t worry dad!’ I winked and said, ‘Lots of years left still..’ and smiled.

Simple Shambhu Narayan

When life has great logical reasons to mourn at, people start finding smaller reasons to make themselves happy. Such is the condition with people whom the rest of the world considers stupid. Mr. Bean, as we can see, is one of such people who acts everything in a stupid way, just to remove his lonesomeness. And we, wiser people laugh at him, concluding that he is an idiot, never realizing the pain which he is bearing to be alone. Similar is the case with our  Shambhu Narayan who is not ‘that’ stupid but is simple, and, being simple in today’s world is being dull anyway.

Shambhu Narayan was as simplest guy as anyone could imagine him to be. Holding a Master’s Degree didn’t make him competitive though. Others could call him a below average person with no dignity. To an analyst like me, he was a wonderful person, simple, yet warm-hearted and I loved being a colleague to such a kind-hearted person. To the contrary, people prejudged him, most of the times in a wrong way.

It wasn’t amazing that in this modern world where people talk so much of love and betrayal, this guy had never had any girlfriend. He loved a girl, once when he was sixteen, as he told me as we were sipping coffee one day, but that was a story of long ago. He persuaded his heart not to have any feelings for that girl and he succeeded. A firm believer in God, he used to say that everyone comes in this earth withal soul mate, and he believed his girl was somewhere hidden and one day they would meet. I closed my eyes and prayed for him.

In his family, he lived with his parents and a brother who, although was younger to him, had already moved further ahead in his life. Those words of his parents that’d speak of encouragement before, now tormented him, insulted him. But he never minded, for he loved them a lot. Incompetent he was, he preferred to stay backward than to be a fraud who cheated. ‘But this is Kaliyuga Shambhu! You must learn to march ahead, everyone else on earth will step on you and move ahead. You will be hurt!’

‘It’s ok Ramanath ji, I’ll make it someday, sooner or later. And even if the world speaks against me, friends like you are there to guide, to support. That’s enough.’ He’d say. Again he’d leave me surprised. How could people think of hurting such a sweetheart like him.?

One day, the board of directors had a meeting of who would be raised to the post of branch manager? Shambhu Narayan had been working for years. I had joined that company years after him but had succeeded to stay in the same position as him. It’s a matter of disgrace to say that the names of the people who would move to higher posts were advised as per their ability to butter the people already at higher post. I could remold myself as time wanted but to the contrary, Shambhu Narayan couldn’t. And thus, Shambhu was left behind, always.

Others would call him coward, I prefer the word timid. As the M.D. Flipped through the reports that he had presented, they asked with him a couple of questions which he answered well. I knew he was more knowledgeable than me, but most of them didn’t and so they had to check him out. He had to explain his plans, his dedications to convince them that he could do well. This time, perhaps was the first that he seemed better than the rest. His innocence, his simplicity was liked by the B.O.D. then. It meant he would be promoted. A good thing in deed. Other colleagues had reasons to argue and I wanted a treat from him. Oh, at last, even good people move ahead I thought as he hugged me.

Unborn

I didn’t know where  I lay, but the pain made me realize the current situation I was in. I dared not to look at the place where I was, I just didn’t want to wake up to face the reality. All I saw was a bottle of saline hanging over me, and a nurse. The moving vehicle suggested me that I was being transported by an ambulance. I could hear some murmurs which I couldn’t understand. The frozen blood behind my ears gave me a hint that I had fainted for moments but even that moment of consciousness didn’t last any longer for I fainted again.

I woke up to I find myself at the hospital, this time the pain being not much. Perhaps I had undergone a treatment that I was unaware about. There were little sobs, n I couldn’t recognize who it was crying for me, most probably a well wisher of mine. My father came to me, asking me how I was. When I didn’t respond to him because I found it difficult to part my chapped lips, he just touched my forehead. His hand was cooler, but I could sense the warmth of love as when I was a kid. Parents really love us unconditionally.

Knowing that I was awake, my husband came to inquire. He could still face me after doing all this. Shameless I thought. There was a kind of pain in my stomach which brought a horrifying thought in me.  I woke up with all the force I could exert and with a shocked expression and ready to cry eyes, I asked my father, ‘My baby?’ He sadly hung his face followed by my husband’s. The nurse who was taking care of the other patient came to me noticing that I had gained consciousness and said, ‘ Your baby couldn’t survive the pain, we couldn’t save him.’

I could hold no longer and burst out crying.  ‘How can this be possible? Oh my baby.. my baby!’, I was whining and acting like a lunatic. I didn’t want to believe in my ears. My child whom I had carried six months from lost his life before even opening his eyes. My fragile body was unable to bear the torment and it involuntarily went to its state of rest again.

The room was illuminated naturally  the next time I opened my eyes only to cry in pain. I touched my abdomen wishing for my baby to kick me once more like the way it did before. I did nothing except sobbing. Tears flowed through the corners of my eyes continuously and drenched my dry ears. I wanted to shut my brain to block the pain that it was feeling but couldn’t. My mother wiped them for me and whispered in a low tone, ‘Don’t cry Nitha, you gotta be strong,’ although she was crying bitterly herself. I wasn’t the only one who had kept dreams with my baby. My father supported her words ‘ yes, don’t feel weak, we are with you. Be strong.’  How could i? how could I after losing my baby?

I was being strong only for the reason that I had to take care of my child. It would have been better had I died along but fate had a different story to tell.

There had always been problems between my husband and me from the day of our marriage. Things became worse after I caught him red-handed having extra-marital affair. The baby in my womb was the only thing that kept me from leaving him. He was in his senses when he accused me of being unfaithful. It was awful to hear those bitter words. I had to defend myself and thus we had a row. I was bruised and he left me without a warning and continued to drink. That evening when I thought everything was fine, and I was preparing my bed, he pushed me on the floor and started kicking me randomly, even on my abdomen. I pleaded him, ‘Please, don’t, for the sake of our baby, no! Please.. Spare my life.. My baby is inside me.’ Drunk, he only responded with filthy words which I could hear. The physical and mental torture was unbearable to me and I collapsed then n there. My neighbors must have heard me cry and shout, so they broke the door open and rescued my insentient body.

I wiped my tears as I came to know that it had become a police case. The people in the hospital room were divided into two options- one group who suggested me to file a case against my husband for every wrong thing that he did and the other group wanted me to make peace with my husband. I saw with the corners of my eyes, his face that appeared so hideous to me, hung not in shame, not in regret but because there was nothing else that he could do.

I felt my unborn child cry with me, in pain, like myself. This was all because of that ruthless person whose heinous act neither could I forgive nor could I forget. I had to give him his punishment, for the sake of my unborn child.  I wouldn’t let him live in peace, I promised myself. ‘I am going to file a case against him and make him lose, let him pay for what he did,’ I became determined..

Tears to behold

You said you loved me, and I believed you
Out of nowhere came the trust
Never had I thought that you were faking
And without knowing, I gave you my heart
My stupid heart kept loving you
Never ever thought I was in vain
But you were ever unworthy
And see, you have given me so much pain

I wish you’d loved me like the way I loved you
And felt the magical feel
I’m sad that this isn’t a fairy tale,
It’s a life’s real reel

My story, unpublished, I have to hide it
But my glistening tears somehow roll down
Though I try to behold them
With avalanche of feeling slipping all-around
How unlucky I am that I had fallen for you
How sad it is that my feelings mean nothing to you

Were you here, you would have known
My true love is in its purest form
And if you could hear my heart
You’d care for me, and I’d be adorned
Even now It’s hard to behold these tears
But I have to hide them because of fears..

I wish you’d loved me like the way I loved you
And felt the magical feel
I’m sad that this isn’t a fairy tale,
It’s a life’s real reel

Farewell

This day doesn’t seem good enough when we’re departing never to meet again
After the sweet moments of joy of love, here we’re on the way to pain..

All the bitter moments can never pass away, never forgiven, never forgotten
Somehow this heart holds a grip of you, this heart of mine still loves you a lot..

Never met, never saw, who knew this love could go this deep
You don’t know how sad I am, how much this departure is causing me to weep..

I had to bury a dream of mine, and kill all my hopes of well-being..
With you my hope had ended now, as I am only for world’s sake living..

Your words, my dear hurt me too much, my tears all dried up in vain
There hasn’t been a moment, the moment after u left where I smiled truly again

These words of mine perhaps wont reach you anymore, you are going too far away
Hope life shows up to be beautiful for you, may in your life fortunes sway……
Good bye….!!

Hey Criticizer!

Hey criticizer!
Your eyes that never look through me,
And your words that always pierce me through..
It hurts, you must have known that,
And that’s the reason of your satires, right??

You claim to have given me lots,
I say- those ‘lots’ are pains and tears;
If you think you’ve become my savior,
Wake up- you’re still in your dreams.

Hey Criticizer!
Before you point your fingers at me,
See yourself first- you’re such a filth.
Don’t you dare to try to burn me alive,
Don’t you ever step over my life.

And hey! if you hate me that way,
Why don’t you just go away?
Leave me as I am, for now and for ever,
Get detached from my life, lemme move ahead…

Sometimes..

Sometimes I’m absorbed…
Thoughts flutter in,
Words stutter out…
Rewinding the memories reeled in,
My life, it’s an out-and-out..

Oh! my days, they’re all away,
And lo! of hope, there’s not a single ray..

Wondering about my life,
I keep wandering at times..
Trying to smile a smile,
Forgetfully, from happiness
I walk away a mile..

My wishes all crucified,
My wants all dismembered..

Shining on the sky up, up above me,
A lonely star I see…. just like me..
Lost- for identity..

Every now-and-then i wait for the best
But every then-and-now I have to face a test

Frustrations prevail.. 
Even then, somewhere deep..
Slight rays of hope still lie within me..
And with fingers crossed,
I hope to live a life worth living.
How I hope I live a life worth living……

Lonesome

In this wide street I’m all alone
No one walks by my side
Sorrow’s here, but I can’t tear
 Still such a lot of pains to hide!

In my songs I cry, with my thoughts I fly
But in the end I’m still myself
And when I close my eyes, I would like to die
 I’m depressed, perhaps I do need help!

And a thought comes
Is this a world for me?
For me nothing is there
Am I a part of it?
I can’t see myself anywhere..

All my days are far, in my heart’s the scar
But I am not to fall even then
Shattered to pieces, I’ve fallen in ditches
I need to glue myself but when?

And a thought comes
Is this a world for me?
For me nothing is there
Am I a part of it?
 I can’t see myself anywhere..

Just ‘Nother Xmas..

It’s Christmas eve once again
Over n over same problemz to face..
No money to buy anything at all
No reason for me to celebrate…

Prior to a grand mall I am
Glitz n decors mesmerize mah eyez..
Wot am I to do? I ponder
Don’t have a penny to end my criez…

This streets.. ah! the people
Once again I’m lost amid the crowd..
Paralyzed wid poverty, helpless I am
Wanna yell at myself, I wanna cry aloud…

All my faith, all my hopes
Shatter apart, they just keep me in vain..
The tearz of my kin cause me pain
Wanna end it all, but it’s alwez d same…

Last Christmas, I prayed for good
My Pleads unheard, my needs unchanged..
This time oh Savior, help me, I beg
I’ll work, I swear; don’t leave my life deranged..

Friday, December 24, 2010 at 2:05pm